3 Ways I Care For Myself As a Working Mom
Like many parents who work outside the home, I find it excruitiating being away from my kids. Some weeks are easier than others, but I struggle with not being able to stay home with them and other tortured thoughts like I am missing out on their childhood and won’t ever get this time back.
Finding ways to protect my peace and care for myself during the week is essential for me. To me, protecting my peace is not about finding time for myself because I am away from my kids all day, but allowing me to be more present and joyful day to day.
I know many moms/parents may not feel like this and I absolutely agree that it is important to find fulfillment outside of motherhood. But for the moms who do struggle with this, here are some things I do that help me get through the work week.
Limit Communication with SAHM Mom Friends and Avoid Social Media During the Work Week
My commute time to and from work is one of the only times I am alone, so I usually call a friend to catch up when I’m driving home from work. Within the last year, I have altered who I call on the way home to protect my peace. Many of my friends stay home with their children and do not work outside of the home. I love this for them and know what a difficult, draining and relentless job. To me, being a mother is the most important job in the world and is more difficult and rewarding than my job or any job I could have (I’m a lawyer).
At the end of a long day of work and missing my children, it is too much and is not good for my mental health or mom guilt to talk to a friend who has been home with their children all day. Too many times I have gotten off the phone and cried and felt immense guilt and jealousy. This is absolutely on me and nothing towards my friends, but I find it necessary that to care for myself, it is best if I keep the communication with them during the week to sending Tik Toks or texts about random news, not our days. It is difficult for me to hear details about their day, how their child acted, what activities they did, what school events they attended, etc. Even if they had a particularly hard day with their child. Because that is the kind of busy I dream of. I know the grass is always greener and that being a SAHM can be isolating, mundane and not glamorous. But after a long day of missing my children, I am only longing to be with them and spend all my time with them. I find it easier to talk to friends who are in the same situation as me and also driving home from work trying to manage the mom guilt.
And during the week I stay off of any social media where I follow people I know (insta/facebook). It’s hard sitting in an office and seeing stories of friends or acquaintances with their children when I’m not.
I am someone who is very strongly impacted by my hormones and menstrual cycle. I experience pretty drastic emotional and mood swings from week to week. When my progesterone is high, my mood is very low and I experience immense feelings of inadequacy and usually feel the saddest about being away from my children during the day. When my period hits and immediately after, my mood seems to stabilize and I am more optimistic, patient and grateful.
Having insight into the patterns and science behind my emotional state helps me to shut up the negative thoughts in my head when my progesterone is high. When I can point to my hormones as the basis for a feeling, it makes it easier to deal with because I can tell myself (and believe) whatever inadequacy I am feeling isn’t true - I only feel like this because of my hormone fluctuations.
Hormone fluctuations impact mood, energy levels and emotional resilience, which can influence how intensely you feel guilt or stress. Understanding my own patterns helps me to anticipate when I am going to feel more vulnerable so I can plan ahead. If I know I have something coming up that may cause me stress, I can manage my feelings better because I know they’re linked to my cycle and not my actual abilities. It doesn’t mean the feeling/mood isn’t going to happen but it let’s me say “I knew you were coming.”
I can also plan something special with my kids or make more time to connect with my kids on the weeks I am feeling low to help me manage my feelings.
I’ve used several different apps, but the one I’ve been using for the past year is called Moody. It gives a description of where you are in your cycle, what hormones are doing what, suggestions on how you may feel and ways to care for yourself. It also gives tips as to how you should approach sleep, overall well being and working out depending on where you are in your cycle.
2. Track My Hormones & Menstrual Cycle
3. Get Up At Least An Hour Before Your Children
I hear this one frequently and there are so many positives and good reasons to do this. I think it probably applies to every mom in every situation because it just sets such a positive tone for the day. Getting up before your children can be so important for self-care whether you are exercising, meditating, reading, enjoying the quiet, getting some cleaning or work done without children around. It prioritizes yourself so you feel better prepared to handle the day and lets you have a calm start rather than reacting to their needs from the moment you wake up.
In addition to all of the above, I get up before my children because I want to maximize the time I spend with them. I am away from my kids for approximately 7-8 hours per day and when they wake up, I want to be able to focus solely on them and give them all my energy and time. I like to workout or have some calm time to myself, but above all, I want to be completely ready to go to work when they wake up. I do my hair, makeup, pack my bag, make my lunch, eat my breakfast and brush my teeth all before I go get them.
When I have a good morning with the boys where I am able to focus on their needs and get in some time to play together, I feel so much better during the day.